Men are known for focusing on what is functional, and not making emotional decisions. We don’t walk through Bed Bath and Beyond or HomeGoods and make impulse buys of items we will never use. Your MAN-LAIR should mirror the fact. If an item does not preform a function, then there is no reason to shell out any money for it and there is no reason to keep it in your home. If you have any of these items in your home right now, I want you to throw it out, roll up a newspaper and hit yourself in the nose with it.
Guest Towels- Did you ever go over a girlfriend’s house and have to take a shower? Did she have guest towels? Did you use them? Why not? You were, in fact, a guest. Guest towels accomplish nothing. They cost your $30 for a towel that is too small to use and might as well have police tape around them. When the Sudanese President comes over to your house and wants to take a shower, your can go to K Mart and pick up fresh new towels. Spend the $30. However, having towels that you will never touch hanging on a wall is pointless.
Napkin Rings/ Holders– Oh, woe was the day when kerchief and fine linens would scamper across the table willy-nilly, with no respect for the rules of gravity or inanimate objects. How did we ever live whist such tragedies like these occurred? (Italicized to highlight sarcasm, in case you are not a competent human being) Napkins fit in most drawers or cabinets just fine, and leaving a pile on the table makes it look like you are just a messy eater. Restaurants leave napkins on a table because most people are slobs when they don’t have to clean it up. You, however, take pride in your place and will be careful with the extra barbecue sauce. If you are concerned about wind, close a window. If you are eating outside, use a rock.
Salad Spinner– This is exactly what it sounds like. People, who have way to much money have failed to figure out a spoon accomplishes the same thing. This is a bowl with a handle on the top which allows your to “spin” your salad so you don’t have to worry about tragedies like a piece of lettuce landing on your counter top. Use a spoon or a set of tongs. If you are nervous about a cherry tomato escaping the bowl and telling your mother you made a “mess”, then you have bigger issues than salad.
Egg Cups– How did we ever survive the middle ages without every family having a full set of egg cups? Those dark days of rogue eggs roaming the countryside and raping virtuous women-folk because eggs weren’t contained on a small pedestal. I understand that eggs are round and have a tendency to roll away from you, but having a specifically designed “cup” just to hold an egg is ridiculous. If you want a hard boiled egg, fine, cutting it in half to prevent rolling is not that difficult. When did the pot-to-plate transfer get so dangerous that we need to have a special perch for the egg to sit on? Cut the egg or eat it from a cereal bowl. Now if it rolls, it has a barrier to prevent its escape. If you are eating a hard boiled egg odds are you either didn’t go grocery shopping or its too early in the morning to care.
Corn on The Cob Holders: Yes, that corn on the cob you just pulled out of boiling water is in fact, hot. No, the corn-fairy will not take it off your plate. Wait for it to cool of a second before picking it up. Or, if you really are desperate for corn and live in fear of someone taking it from your plate, run it under cold water for a few seconds. Most guys have no problem putting their hand into the engine compartment of a recently running car and putting their fingers within centimeters of an intake manifold, yet when it comes to a hot vegetable they suddenly turn into five year old girls. Grow up and get rid of these things.
Decorative Soaps– Once again, these are way to expensive to ever use. This will sit in a decorative bowl on the side of your sink and will be protected from water simply because it was shaped as a Fleur de Lis. At the base level these are all the same; lye, water, and a scented oil of one kind or another. Just because it was made in a fancy Jell-O mold does not make it forbidden.
Potpourri– Potpourri, for those of you fortunate enough to not waste valuable brain cells on such drivel, it basically decorative mulch that smells good. It is made of dead flower pieces and spices and placed in a decorative bowl on the toilet tank. Light a candle and if you have to get rid of that methane smell. Old lemon rinds and comparable compost will not get rid of the ramifications from last night’s tequila and Taco Bell bender.
“Cute” Figurines/ Knick Knacks– If you want proof that your girlfriend has taken you MAN-LAIR over for good, you found it. Any little cutesy figurine or knick-knack should not be given entry into the house. Stay on your porch all night with a shotgun if you have to, but do not let them in. They are, by definition, trivial. Despite what she tells you, these are not collectibles. If you have a shelf that is designed for these little things in your home, just get a small plant, a book or some family pictures.
If you have anything I missed, feel free to let me know about my incompetancy in the comments section. However, if you defend the usefullness of any of them, I promise to point and laugh at you, possibly in front of your loved ones.