Discussing Nude Artwork

I might be being a bit stereotypical here, but men in general are usually happy to see a naked person with their preferred brand of sexual organ as often as possible. (I know, really stepping out on a limb here) It drives the multi-billion dollar porn industry and the career of Jessica Alba (We will continue to watch her horrible movies until we see her naked. She knows this, and will continue to tease us accordingly.) It also drives a part of the art community.

Even though it is not an explicit function like that of a coffee maker or a Blu-Ray player, there should be artwork in every man’s home. This gives whoever  we invite over a deeper look at who we are and what we like. So while it pains me to say this, we should not have nude artwork adorning all the walls of our house.

“But Mike, it shows to her that I do, in fact, love naked women.”

Yes, I understand, and I agree with you agree with your motivation. The problem is what the nude shows to your house guests. It looks like you are so desperate to see someone other than yourself naked, you have to pay for it.

I try to avoid making any hard rules on anything when it comes to your space, but this is one most men should abide by. There are obviously exceptions to the rule. I will not begrudge you if you have the original “Dream Caused by the Flight of the Bumblebee…” by Salvador Dali. However the only redeeming quality behind that it is the original piece. (This says to me that you have a lot of disposable income and I will not say anything bad because I want you to buy me a few rounds.)

So here it should be evident that my opinion shouldn’t matter to you. I am trying to use you for your money and don’t want to sleep with you (Unless you happen to be aforementioned Jessica Alba or suitable vagina wielding replacement). What will the girl you brought home from the martini bar think about your selection? Will she be impressed by the naked women being attacked by a tiger being attacked by a carp?

The answer is most likely a stern “no”, with “what the hell is wrong with you?” peppered in for good measure.

The argument against nude artwork on your walls is a lot like the Touchdown Celebration debate. Simply put, act like you’ve been there before. Don’t be the college freshman with the Jenna Jameson poster. This is your home and you paid/pay a lot of money for this place. Don’t make it look like you still combing couch cushions for coins like your 19-year-old male counterparts.

My suggestion is to avoid the nudes, and keep your Dali in a safe deposit box. One, you don’t want to look like a pervert who doesn’t know how to use an internet browser to find naked women. Two, you never know who will come over. You don’t want to explain the birds and bees to your 9 year old nephew any more than your brother-in-law does. Three, there is plenty of “sexy” pictures that don’t involve any real nudity. Think about when your ex-girl walked around in the morning in only your white dress shirt. Sometimes what you can’t see is is better than what you can, especially if you can’t actually touch either.

So lets avoid the nude pictures when we adorn our bachelor pads. That way we don’t stay bachelors too many nights in a row.


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